First I must start by thanking you dear Kenyans, you of peculiar habits. You have made my stay here very profitable, mythic and legendary. I came here just another old man. Now that am just about to leave, I want to leave the same way I have lived with you; legally stealing from you. So allow me to address you very briefly, to explain some issues and hopefully settle all the controversies.
A lot of you have been complaining that I made Safaricom a monster that takes up more of your money than what you spend on food. You have complained that I sold you shares at an exorbitant fee. And you have complained that a Kenyan company could be so ruthless among it own people. First, let’s get this out of the way. Safaricom is NOT Kenyan. It is as much Kenyan as I am or Collymore here. It is just silly to call it Kenyan; how would a Kenyan company be this successful?! Don't tickle me. Then you talk of the share price. Well that is your problem. I got mine for free and am dumping them immideately I leave office. But you should have guessed they were worthless when we gave Kibaki a few and sold them to the villagers of Burundi who do not know what a share or stock market is. Some people still talk of Safaricom charging exorbitant rates. At this day and age of Zain! Jesus! What weirdos! How else did you want me to make the money? Well, there is one way that I have discovered. Most of those who have 'vukad' utilized our ‘okoa jahazi' and moved without paying. We had to urgently change our policy to replace that money and the lost traffic. Those left behind had to pay for those who left, because there is no way Safaricom is collapsing while I am still at the helm! Now, all those whose credit and Mbs have disappeared can guess what happened to it. Please do not bother calling customer care to complain; we are jamming the system so you won’t get through. If you get through, we might refund a little but we can’t give back everything for obvious reasons.
As I finish, let me say this. If you don’t like Safaricom, quit calling it Suffericom and just move. You have the best option now. Safaricom is not my problem anymore. I am retiring to some ranch I bought in Laikipia which is a good thing because it is not covered by Safaricom. I have already bought a line from the best option. Thanks again Kenyans. We shall meet in the streets of Nanyuki on the 24th of Dec when I come out to shop. Thank you and good bye.
